Bad habits are like zombies. Every so often, even when you think they are dead, old habits will rise up to consume you. I’m battling some old demons lately, and it’s hard to stuff ‘em back where they belong. I’ve told you before that I grew up in a house of women with eating disorders.
It’s no fun opening your Snoopy lunchbox to find half a tuna sandwich and a Tab while your classmates are gleefully sucking the cream filling from their Ho Hos and Devil Dogs and pounding back chocolate milks like it’s last call at a Shriners’ convention. To this day, the smell of chocolate makes me anxious.
I learned early about hiding food, crash dieting, and purging with laxatives and a toothbrush handle down the throat. I learned how to go for days on nothing but diet soda and handfuls of Tylenol. I learned how to feel worthless after eating and vowed every night before going to sleep that tomorrow would be a better day because I wouldn’t put food in my mouth.
As a teen I spent most of my weekends in bed with a book, afraid if I left my room I might go into the kitchen and eat. When I wasn’t reading, I was exercising- repeating tummy crunches over and over in hopes that my little pot belly would go away. It never did.
College came and I couldn’t keep hiding. I went jogging every morning and dancing every night. When I was told that I was too big to participate in a charity fashion show, I redoubled my efforts. I began putting laxatives in all my food and putting drugs up my nose to try to drop more weight.
And then I crashed.
Since then, I’ve been big and with the help of pregnancy, illness and yes, the prescription diet drug that killed my gallblader, I’ve been less big. I haven’t ever gone back to that teenage size 12. Right now, I’m big. The same big I’ve been for the last 8 years. The same big I am whether I go to the gym or sit on my bum. The same big I am whether I take my thyroid replacement pills or not. The same big I am whether I eat sensibly or treat myself. It’s disheartening.
So here I sit with diabetes and a goiter and bum knees and I start thinking about how much better my life would be if I just skipped eating for a few days. I wonder, do I have enough laxatives in the medicine chest? Ooh I feel uncomfortable after eating, I’ll bet my stomach would feel so much better if I just went into the bathroom and purged.
Then I remember the sounds of my childhood. I remember the bathroom doors locked for hours. I remember the sounds of gagging and heaving. I remember the crying and crying and crying. I’ll bet my mother thought she was keeping her purging a secret, too. I have a daughter. She has never seen or heard the sights and sounds of a house with eating disorders.
I think I’ll have a glass of water instead.
10 responses so far ↓
1
DeAnna chandler
// Jun 9, 2009 at 6:16 am
That was profound and very moving. I’m glad you are trying to make a difference in your daughters life by trying to control yours. Keep up the good word. It would make a good lecture at high school or maybe a book!!! Think about it.
DeAnna chandlers last blog post..Busy, busy, busy
2
Jen on the Edge
// Jun 9, 2009 at 7:27 am
I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling lately. Like DeAnna, I am so proud of you for doing your best to stay healthy and for not slipping back into old habits.
*hugs*
Jen on the Edges last blog post..Merit vs. Participation
3
witchypoo
// Jun 9, 2009 at 7:58 am
That’s a FiveStarFriday post, Joie. If it’s any comfort, the very strong astrological influences that are bringing all this to the fore, also will allow for the healing of it. It’ll be much better by the 15th.
witchypoos last blog post..Happy Birthday From Me
4
Green Girl in Wisconsin
// Jun 9, 2009 at 8:06 am
My heart aches for you. What a story you have–and what courage to write it so well! I agree with DeAnna–and you are a HERO for your daughter. Truly.
Green Girl in Wisconsins last blog post..of cucumbers and celebrities
5
Badger
// Jun 9, 2009 at 10:15 am
Aw, dude. It is so hard to overcome those old demons. I think it’s awesome that you are able to recognize it and step back from it — that is a hugely important step! (I speak from experience here, yo.) I wish you continued strength!
Badgers last blog post..Solar oven FAIL
6
jayne
// Jun 9, 2009 at 11:59 am
I come from a family with secrets, too. Not the same ones, but still, my eyes welled up when I read your post. I am trying, too, to break the patterns so my own children will have lives different from mine. I wish you peace and courage - though from what I can tell, you seem pretty well stocked up on the courage. Good for you!
jaynes last blog post..Oh, and By the Way
7
schmutzie
// Jun 12, 2009 at 1:30 pm
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/06/five-star-fridays-edition-58.html
8
Michele
// Jun 12, 2009 at 1:50 pm
What a moving post. I sit here typing with tears running down my face. I applaud you for teaching your child the right message about food!!
9
Shannon
// Jun 15, 2009 at 2:50 pm
From one recovered eating disorder to another - I getcha’. It’s hard to just say no to that which kept you company. Even now, in times of stress, I think: If I don’t eat tomorrow I’ll feel so much better. Just one day of no food. Or maybe two.
And, like you, I’m determined to not be that person anymore because I have a little person that can’t see that.
Here’s to breaking cycles.
Shannons last blog post..Six Years
10
Emi
// Jan 23, 2010 at 12:01 pm
My mum is borderline anorexic and she and my @~*% of a father made my sister bulimic in her teens. They don’t know that and every time they start talking about weight and fat I want to slap them and scream at them. My sister is more zen but I know it hurs her. Anyway we both struggle to have a healthy relationship with food and I sympathise. Best of luck.
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